


My Epiphany

by pcrrycox



Series: My Epiphany [1]
Category: Scrubs (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-02
Updated: 2017-03-02
Packaged: 2018-09-27 19:44:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10043207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pcrrycox/pseuds/pcrrycox
Summary: Elliot's engagement sets off an epiphany that JD wishes he never had.  Starts at 6x19 and moves onward through the end of the season.





	1. It Should Have Been Me

_As I looked at all the relationships around me, some that had gone on forever, some that were reigniting, and some that had just begun, I realized something._

_It should have been me._

I had heard people talk about epiphanies before.  Back in high school, my English teacher had asked us to write an essay about an epiphany we’d experienced.  I had racked my brains trying to come up with something good enough to hand to my teacher.  In fact, I had stayed up until four in the morning the night before the essay was due, but the truth was that nothing in my life had ever occurred to me in the poetic, magnificent, and _sudden_ way I associated with epiphanies.  I ended up turning in a load of crap, written early the next morning in my study hall period before English about how I had “suddenly” woken up one day and realized I wanted to be a doctor.  None of it was true; realizing I wanted to pursue a career in medicine had not been so much a realization, but a conscious choice borne out of a powerful desire to help others.  Becoming a doctor seemed the obvious route to do so and anatomy, biology, all the sciences, had piqued my interest from an early age. 

              Throughout my adult life, I occasionally thought back to that essay, that challenge posed to me as a sixteen-year-old.  Even now, in my early thirties, I was quite certain I had never experienced an epiphany, save for my brief stint on the Janitor’s so-called Epiphany Toilet.  I didn’t really count that one.  To me, an epiphany had to be something life-altering, something so suddenly brilliant that the world would stop turning, even if just for a moment or two. 

              As I sat at the bar, off to the side and out of the crowd celebrating Elliot’s and Keith’s engagement, my mind raced with thoughts of the past week.  I had tried endlessly to get Elliot’s best friend from college, Melody, into bed, desperate for a casual hook-up, but had failed over and over again.  The sour mood that had settled over me since witnessing the first time Keith proposed seemed inexplicable.  Turk had suggested that I was jealous of Elliot, but I wasn’t.  As much as I had disliked Keith in the beginning, he had turned out to be good for Elliot, taking all her neuroses in stride and loving her for them, rather than in spite of them.  No, I could truthfully say that I was happy for both of them, glad that they had found each other.

              It was then, watching the various couples before me, that I had my first ever life-altering, earth-shattering epiphany.  I wasn’t prepared for it in the slightest, though I supposed that was the whole thing with epiphanies – you weren’t _supposed_ to know they were coming.  I immediately knew it to be true, but the knowledge rocked me to my core and I felt my face go completely blank as I stared at the source of my troubles.  He caught my eye, only for a second, his brows furrowing before he looked away.  I could read his expression perfectly; I’d gotten quite good at deciphering his looks over the past six years.  _Quit staring at me, Newbie.  Didn’t your mommy ever tell you it’s impolite?_

Yeah, she did.  She also told me not to fall completely head-over-heels in love with people I couldn’t have, but here I was.  The reason for my mood and my desperate attempts to sleep with Melody had nothing to do with her or Elliot or anyone else but _him._ Perry fucking Cox.  I hated him in that moment, hated him for making me love him even after everything he’d done to me.  I tossed back the rest of my drink, dropped a twenty on the counter, and pushed my way through the crowd, muttering half-hearted congratulations to Elliot.

The moment I was outside on the sidewalk, inhaling deep, sharp breaths of the cool nighttime air, all my anger faded.  It had been short-lived, but total despair replaced it.  What could I possibly do about this?  Perry was with Jordan and they had two children together.  Even if their relationship didn’t work out, Jack and Jennifer Dylan would surely keep them together.  And what the hell was I even thinking?  It wasn’t like Perry would ever go for _me_ if he and Jordan did somehow end things.  I’d probably have to be the last person on earth for him to even consider it, and even then it seemed far-fetched.  God.  Yeah, no, I was completely and utterly _screwed._

I began walking back to my apartment, abandoning my scooter.  I was in no condition to drive between the alcohol and my racing thoughts.  I listened to the scratch of my shoes against the sidewalk as I dragged my feet, surely leaving scuff marks on the white soles.  It occurred to me that epiphanies weren’t all what they were cracked up to be.  After all, life-altering didn’t always mean something good.  There were plenty of life-altering things that were horrible: death of a loved one, natural disasters, realizing you’re in love with your verbally-abusive mentor of six and a half years… Yeah, definitely on the same scale.

In hindsight, maybe I should have noticed the signs sooner.  For a long time, I genuinely just wanted Perry’s approval, for him to tell me that I had made the right choice in my life in becoming a doctor.  And he did, a time or two.  He had told me he trusted me as a doctor and as a person.  That was something I had held onto over the years, something I reminded myself of whenever he was particularly hurtful or when I doubted myself as a doctor.  Just last year, I had sensed our working relationship was at a crossroads when we lost Jill Tracy, an on-again, off-again patient of ours, and as a result lost three more transplant patients.  Perry had taken it hard and it seemed that the resulting heart-to-heart I’d had with him had been what pulled him out of the funk he was in.  Sometimes I wondered if I was just being self-indulgent in thinking that, but all I had to do was remember his hand on my shoulder and him thanking me – and calling me by my real name – to convince myself that I had truly made a difference.

To my dismay, things didn’t change between us all that much.  Perry returned to work and everything fell back into its usual routine.  We bickered, treated patients, and he had even trusted me enough to let me be the first to know of his daughter’s birth.  We had gotten closer over the years, I knew that much, but I couldn’t help but believe that he would never completely let me in.  It wasn’t in Perry’s nature.  I was fairly certain that he didn’t even tell Jordan everything.  I tried to put myself in his shoes – much larger than my own – and imagine what life would be like being so closed-off.  I couldn’t.

On more than one occasion, I felt pity for him, but he never seemed to be regretful of his choices that had led him to this point.  He wasn’t the tortured soul I sometimes made him out to be.  No, he was a sarcastic, skeptical, bitter bear of a man most of the time, but there were times when he gave me glimpses into what lay underneath his rough exterior.  He was a truly caring person who, I suspected, had a heart of gold.  He was driven by the same need I was as a doctor: he wanted to help people, too.  That was why Jill’s death had affected him so much.  He _cared._ That much was obvious even if he spent the majority of his time trying to convince others that he _didn’t_.

For all his flaws, Perry Cox was still a good man.  His metaphorical hard edges and sharp teeth had never deterred me from wanting to be close to him.  I didn’t love him in spite of his flaws, but rather because they were a part of him.  My wants, my wishes, my desires all crystallized in front of my eyes, becoming perfectly clear.  I wanted to be with him.  I wanted to be someone he could open up to if he decided to.  I had always done my best to be that person for him, but the instances that he actually took me up on that were few and far between.  I wished I could be the right fit for him, but I couldn’t be Jordan.  That wasn’t my personality.  I didn’t want to fight for fun and I didn’t want to laugh at the expense of others.  I wanted simplicity, effortlessness.  We didn’t have to go out every night or be showy.  I only wanted to be his and for him to be mine.

I would never have that.

I reached my apartment and shoved the key into the lock, trying to ignore the empty feeling that settled over me.  Perry would be crazy to want me anyway.  What kind of catch was I?  My reflection had no answer for me as I stripped and stepped into the shower.  I was a single guy in my early thirties who, up until recently, had been living in a _tent_ on a _deck_ on a _half-acre_ and then with my best friend who, recently engaged and actually doing something with her life, kicked me out, forcing me to get my own place which was small and unimpressive and boring, just like every other damn thing in my life.  Yeah, I had so much going for me.

After much of the same sort of thinking, I decided that was enough wallowing in self-pity for one night and dragged myself out of the shower and into bed.  I flopped down onto my stomach and buried my face in one of my pillows.  Everyone was moving on with their lives, getting married, having kids, and here I was, probably smothering my pillow girlfriend, Katya.  What the hell had happened to me?

Growing up, I was always the smart one.  Dan had been the cool kid, the jock type, and I spent most of my time being called ‘nerd’ and getting beat up, but still, I had things going for me.  I would never be drop-dead gorgeous or smooth or, well, coordinated, but I had always done well in school and hell, I was a doctor!  But when I compared myself to all my friends, who were pretty much all doctors, save for Carla, who was probably smarter than all of us, I felt like I was falling short.  How long was it until they started to get sick of me, of pulling my weight? 

I tried to push the nagging thoughts away as I settled into a more comfortable position, waiting for sleep to come.

* * *

 

The next day at the hospital, I spent most of my time making my rounds and checking in on my patients.  Several of them were ready to be discharged, while others still needed treatment and observation.

“Hey, Mrs. Zeske, how are you feeling today?” I asked, adopting warmest smile.  I could only hope it was convincing.

“Not much better than yesterday, I’m afraid,” she replied, looking as though she felt guilty about it. 

“Well, let’s see if we can’t up your pain meds a bit, how’s that sound?” I offered, stepping over to her morphine pump.  I knew that everything we were doing for her was a stall, that it was likely she wouldn’t leave the hospital.  I increased the cap on her dosage and handed her the clicker.  “Don’t be afraid to use that when you need it, all right?  I’ll have a nurse come in and take some blood so we can run a few more tests.”

“Thank you, Dr. Dorian,” she said in a soft voice.  The morphine was already helping.  “You’re a wonderful doctor.”

I smiled at her in thanks and walked back out to the nurses’ station, sighing.  “Carla, can you have someone get three vials of blood from Mrs. Zeske for me?”  I asked, making a few notes on her chart.

“Sure thing, Bambi,” Carla assured me before hurrying off. 

I was absorbed in my notations, so much so that I didn’t immediately notice Perry walking up next to me. 

“All right, Newbie?” he asked casually, leaning backward against the counter and looking straight ahead into Mrs. Zeske’s room.  She preferred the blinds open, liked to see what was going on around her.

“I – yeah.  Yeah, I’m fine,” I muttered, putting Mrs. Zeske’s chart away.  “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well, you’ve been pretty jumpy today,” Perry said, arching an eyebrow and tilting his head slightly.  “And I saw you at the bar last night.  Looked like something was wrong and you were in a mighty big hurry to get out of there.  Figured maybe there was a _Gilmore Girls_ marathon on.”

I looked up at Perry for a moment longer than I should have before walking off without saying another word to him.  This was going to be much harder than I had first believed.  My stupid epiphany was ruining everything.  Why couldn’t I have stayed blissfully ignorant of my own feelings?  There was no way I was ever going to tell Perry how I felt about him, but keeping that secret was sure to be difficult.  I had a funny feeling that Perry wouldn’t make things easy on me either.  We worked side-by-side more often than not, and even if I didn’t go to him for help as much, he’d still be there, a permanent fixture in the ICU.  There would be no escaping him.  I wasn’t sure I wanted to, either.

The rest of my day passed by uneventfully.  None of my patients coded – even Mrs. Zeske was holding steady despite the pain she was in.  I was still trying to figure out what was causing her pain, and her test results had been inconclusive.  I ordered a CT scan and an MRI, figuring I’d cover all my bases.  I had spent the last twenty minutes in the lounge, paging through medical encyclopedias for anything that might help me.  Perry had wandered in not long after and spread out on the couch, flipping the TV on to one of his soaps.  I blocked it out with ease, keeping my focus on the task at hand rather than Perry.

“Just the two doctors I wanted to see!” Kelso announced, striding into the lounge. 

I looked up at him, my face falling.  Nothing good could come out of this.  Perry didn’t move an inch.

Kelso reached forward and grabbed the remote off the coffee table, shutting the TV off.  I could practically see the steam pour out of Perry’s ears.  “Now, as you two may know, there’s a medical conference in Phoenix this weekend and I’ve decided the two of you will be attending.”  The smugness in Kelso’s voice was unmistakable.  He was getting some sort of sick satisfaction out of this.  “And to save costs, the hospital has booked only one hotel room for you.  How you decide to get there is your choice, but if you don’t attend, you can consider yourselves no longer employees of Sacred Heart.”

We both stared at him and I felt sheer terror rising up in my chest. 

“Thank you for your cooperation,” Kelso said with a wide, toothy grin.  With that, he turned and strode out of the lounge, taking the remote with him.

Perry glanced back at me and snarled, his upper lip curling, before he pushed himself up off the couch and stalked out.  I hated Kelso in that moment, almost as much as I hated myself.


	2. Bust A Move

The rest of the week passed horrifyingly quickly, and soon there was only one night between me and the medical convention which I was being forced to attend with Perry.  Normally, I would have jumped at the opportunity, but everything had changed.  The only thing I could think about now was acting normally or, if worse came to worst, distancing myself from Perry as much as I had to to stay sane.  I was worried about what that might mean.

              Turk came over that night on the pretense of hanging out, but I knew he just wanted to figure out what was up with me.  It was strange, keeping secrets from Turk, but it was for the best.  None of my friends had time for any of my problems as it was, let alone something as hopeless as this. 

              I was so lost in my thoughts, in my nervousness, that I didn’t even notice Turk was trying to play Toe or Finger with me.  “Oh,” I said lamely, sniffing.  “Uh, finger?”

              “Dude, it’s _always_ toe!” Turk whined when I opened my eyes.  “What’s been up with you lately?”

              I sighed.  “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

              “Try me.”

              “I… fuck, I’ve got feelings for – for someone.  Someone that I should _not_ have feelings for and who _definitely_ doesn’t have feelings for me.”

                
              “Wow,” Turk said in mock wonder.  “That was really helpful and specific, JD.”

              “Shut up.”

              “Come on, since when don’t you tell me everything?” Turk asked, genuine worry slipping into his tone.

              “Since this,” I said quietly.  “Can we just watch TV, please?”

* * *

 

              I took another swig of my beer, the fourth that Turk had given me over the last hour or so.  I didn’t realize he was getting me drunk until it was too late, and now we were watching a rerun of _Cheers_ that we had seen twenty times over.  If my thoughts hadn’t been on Perry before, they certainly were now.  Realistically, I knew that it was the alcohol that was making me emotional, but it didn’t stop my tears from coming.  I felt stupid, sitting on my couch next to my best friend in the world, watching one of our favorite shows, and _crying_ , but it seemed nothing I did these days was logical.

              When a commercial came on, Turk looked over at me, opening his mouth to say something, but his eyes widened when he saw me, curled in on myself and still nursing my beer.

              “He’s never gonna love me back, Turk,” I said quietly, feeling pathetic.

              “JD, who the hell – wait, _he_?  Dude, are you gay?” Turk asked incredulously. 

              I shook my head, brushing at the tears on my cheeks that didn’t seem to want to stop falling.  “Not gay,” I sniffed.  “Maybe bi.  I don’t know.”

              “Uh, okay,” Turk said slowly, blinking confusedly at me.  “So who are you even talking about?”

              “Perry,” I said in a whisper.  “Dr. Cox.”

              I had to look away as Turk stared at me, his mouth dropping open.  I closed my eyes and took another long drink of my beer.  I didn’t fight when Turk gently took the bottle and set it down on the table beside the couch. 

              “How long?” he asked me, keeping his voice soft.

              “I – I’m not sure exactly,” I replied.  “I realized it at the bar, though, when Elliot got engaged.  I was watching all you guys and then I saw Jordan kiss him and he looked so _happy_.  I wanted that to be me with him.  I know it’s pathetic, I really do, but I think I’ve had feelings for him for a long time.  And now we have to go to that medical conference together this weekend and Kelso only booked _one_ damn room.  It’s going to be a complete nightmare.”

              I picked at the back cushion on the couch as I waited for Turk to say something.  “Man, if I could tell you to move on and get over him, I would, but I know that it doesn’t work that way.  I mean, Cox of all people… you can do a hell of a lot better than him.  But maybe it’ll just go away on its own.  Just give it some time, try not to think about it.”

              I shook my head and buried my face in the cushion.  Turk didn’t get it, not really.  Things had come pretty easy for him and Carla – it wasn’t like either of them had been with someone else.  They went on dates after Carla finally agreed to give him a chance, fell in love, got married, had a kid.  They had done everything perfectly.  None of this would go away for me, just like it wouldn’t go away for Turk.  He had the luxury of not having to worry about that.

              I mumbled into the cushion, hoping Turk would understand me. 

              “Come again?” he asked.  Of course he’d make me say it again.

              “I’m in love with him,” I said in a small voice, pulling back to look him in the eye.

              “Well, shit.”

              “Yeah,” I sighed, wiping my eyes.  “Shit.”

              “Maybe you should play it cool this weekend and see how things go?” Turk suggested, shrugging his shoulders helplessly.

              The mere thought of having to spend the next seventy-two hours with Perry should have been making me jump for joy, but instead I was dreading it.  I was so worried I’d make a mistake or say something stupid that I was sure I’d be walking on eggshells the entire time.  I felt more tears slip down my cheeks and didn’t bother to hide them.  Turk would understand.  Besides, he was the one who got me drunk. 

              “Look, dude, I’m sorry, but I promised Carla I wouldn’t stay out too late,” Turk said some time later, watching me warily. 

              All I could do was nod. 

              “Come on, let’s get you into bed,” Turk sighed, pulling me off the couch.  “Sorry I got you drunk.”

              “’S fine,” I mumbled, letting him lead me to my bedroom where I collapsed on the bed instantly. 

              “You need anything before I go?” Turk asked, patting my shoulder and pulling my covers over me.

              “I’m fine, Turk,” I assured him.  “Go home.”

              “All right.  Good luck this weekend, JD,” he said.  I listened for the sound of the front door closing before drifting off into a fortunately dreamless sleep.

* * *

 

              From the moment Dr. Kelso had said that it was our decision as to how we got to the conference, I knew that Perry and I would find our ways there separately.  I wasn’t going to ask him to carpool, and he didn’t say a word about it to me over the last week.  I left early that morning for Phoenix, knowing it would be a long drive, but at least I could try to clear my head during it.  Thankfully, I hadn’t woken up with a hangover, otherwise my pounding head would have seriously impaired my ability to sing along to my Journey playlist.

              By the time I arrived at the convention center, I was actually feeling a little optimistic.  I signed in and picked up my nametag and keycard and even got to see Old M.C.  At least I could die happily now.  I eventually found my way to the hotel room Perry and I would be sharing, wondering if he’d arrived yet.  As soon as I slid my keycard in the door and opened it, I could hear Perry arguing with someone.  I took a deep breath and stepped inside, wondering what was going on.

              My eyes went wide as I saw Perry standing in the small room, berating a hotel employee, gesturing to the _only_ bed in the room.  It was a queen-size, at least, and there was a standard chair next to the bed, but that was it apart from the bathroom.  Oh _hell_ no.

              “I’m sorry, sir,” the worker said, his voice surprisingly calm, “but we’re completely booked this weekend because of the convention.  If anything opens up, we’ll make sure you’re the first to know.”

              “Ridiculous,” Perry muttered, turning away from the young man, obviously dismissing him.  I mouthed an apology to the worker, even though I knew Perry wasn’t always this way.  “I’m gonna kill Kelso, make sure he rots in hell.”

              “I – I can sleep in the chair,” I offered, not sure if I should even speak. 

              Unsurprisingly, Perry ignored me and stormed out of the hotel room without another word, leaving me standing next to the chair, my suitcase still in my hand.  Any semblance of an optimistic attitude I had was now gone.

              I spent the rest of the evening at the bar, asking Old M.C. questions, to which his response was always “Bust a move.”  It was funny the first few times, but after that I just did it for lack of anything better to do.  I had a hard time keeping my mind off Perry, but I knew better than to get drunk.  The last thing I wanted to do was risk spilling my guts to him.  I sipped from the glass of Coke in front of me until I deemed it acceptable to go back to the room. 

              When I walked inside, the bathroom door was closed and I could hear the shower running.  I didn’t want my presence to annoy Perry when he was finished, so I changed into my pajamas and made myself as comfortable as I could – translation: not very – in the big, bulky chair, pulling a thin, scratchy blanket over me.  I dared to rest my feet on the bed at the very least so I didn’t have to stay curled into a ball all night and spend the next day sore. 

              Perry walked out of the bathroom ten minutes later, dressed in grey sweatpants and a pale blue t-shirt.  When I heard him turn the doorknob, I briefly considered pretending to be asleep, but I wasn’t that much of a coward.  Instead, I watched him move around the room, rooting around in his suitcase for something.  It turned out to be reading glasses, which I hadn’t realized he wore, and he settled down onto the far side of the bed, turning on the lamp next to him and casting a faint, yellow glow over himself.  I wasn’t sure if it was my fantasies or not, but I had the impression that Perry normally slept in much less clothing.  I felt bad then for our predicament.  Neither of us were comfortable and even though it wasn’t my fault, I felt the need to minimize the tension. 

              Perry began paging through the itinerary for the weekend, which contained a list of lectures, events, and the vendors that would be trying to sell prescription drugs and other quote, unquote _useful_ items for medical professionals.  I watched him, prepared to look away at any moment if he caught me, noticing the way that the lines in his forehead relaxed.  He did not look angry or frustrated or show any signs of his usual emotions.  He looked remarkably peaceful.  Maybe he’d talked to Jordan on the phone or gotten his anger out by berating some more employees.

              I shifted uncomfortably in the chair, pushing my feet into the bed for leverage and accidentally jostling it.  My eyes flashed up to Perry’s face to see if I’d disturbed him, but he continued on ignoring me.  I wasn’t sure if I preferred being ignored or being yelled at.  At least I knew he cared if he was yelling.  It wasn’t as though I hadn’t expected as much from him, but it was going to be a long night being stuck in the chair.

              After Perry read the itinerary cover to cover, he reached over and shut off his light, dropping the brochure on his nightstand.  He scooted down in the bed and pulled the covers over him, up to his shoulders, and turned away from me. 

              “Oh, just get in the goddamn bed, would you?” he said, making my eyes go wide.  The last thing I had expected him to do was speak and I jumped at the suddenness of it, not to mention what he was telling me to do.  All I could do was gape at him.  “ _Get in the bed,_ ” he said through gritted teeth, sounding more frustrated. 

              I wasn’t going to make him ask again, so I hesitantly climbed into bed with him, careful to stay on the very edge of my side and not touch Perry.  I felt relatively certain that if my foot were to accidentally touch him, he’d probably go ballistic.  I was just grateful to be lying horizontal, even if the hotel did have flat pillows.

              “I swear if you so much as try to cuddle me, Shirley, I won’t hesitate to throw you on the floor,” Perry threatened, but I could tell his heart wasn’t in it.

              I grunted my acknowledgement before settling in for the night, though all hope of a restful night fled.  This was everything I had come to expect from Perry Cox: harsh and insensitive, even if he did let me into the bed with him.  It became perfectly clear to me that Perry would never, _could_ never want me, not the way I wanted him.  Maybe someday there would be a possibility that we could be friends, perhaps if we didn’t work together, but I would always want more.  I didn’t want to entertain the idea that I might be better served moving on and forgetting all about him.  I spent the majority of the night staring at the wall directly next to my side of the bed, memorizing the details that I could only make out thanks to the small slivers of moonlight that filtered in from behind the curtains.


	3. Defense Mechanism

The next morning, I was woken by a sharp whistle that I had long since become accustomed to.  “Get up,” Perry barked.  “We have lectures we need to attend.”

              I blinked against the harsh lighting the room.  He’d pulled the curtains wide open and was standing at the foot of the bed, his arms crossed in front of his chest.  He was already fully dressed.  “All right, all right,” I muttered, feeling like I hadn’t slept more than a couple hours.  “I’ll meet you down there in twenty, grab some breakfast…”

              He nodded in approval and strode out of the room, leaving me alone.  For once I was grateful for the solitude so I could gather my thoughts.  It was strange, being resigned to the fact that there was no chance for us.  I, of course, felt empty and more than a little hopeless, but I was slowly accepting it.  Maybe it would make things easier, allow me to simply be one of Perry’s colleagues rather than be constantly striving for his approval.  Turk would be so proud.

              Once dressed, I darted downstairs and grabbed a bite to eat from the hotel’s breakfast buffet.  I found Perry lounging by the bar, though he didn’t seem to be drinking.  “Ready if you are,” I told him.

              “Ready for this weekend to be over,” he remarked as we began walking.  He seemed to know where he was going, what lectures we should attend.  I was more than willing to let him take the lead. 

              “Does Kelso make you go to a lot of these?” I asked, more out of politeness than curiosity.

              “Usually he’s the one to go, being the Chief and all,” Perry replied and I was surprised by how conversational his tone was.  “Apparently this year was different.  Don’t ask me why.”

              I obliged him, letting my gaze wander to the crowds of people around us, all of them wearing name badges and looking just about as thrilled to be here as I felt.  I was actually looking forward to the lectures, eager to learn something new and find out about the latest advances in medicine.  I enjoyed that my career was in a field that was constantly evolving, always innovating.  The fact that we were helping make people’s lives better in the process was an added bonus.

              The first few lectures Perry and I sat through were rather boring, most of them talking about drug trials or studies that were so specific that I found they didn’t have much bearing on my day-to-day life as a doctor.  I did my best to stay engaged, but I couldn’t help my mind wandering after the third speaker began, his monotone voice droning on and on.  I glanced at Perry every so often, but I couldn’t tell if he was actually interested in the information or if he was just pretending to listen.

              Between lectures, when we’d walk to a different room or wait for the next speaker to set up, Perry would occasionally say something to me.  It was always something inconsequential, but designed to get a reaction from me.  Normally, I would have laughed or engaged him in conversation, but I didn’t have it in me.  I could tell he noticed that something was going on, but he clearly didn’t care enough to ask me about it.  For once I was grateful that he didn’t want to know my thoughts.

              I sighed and leaned back in my chair, still careful to keep from encroaching on Perry’s personal space, as the next lecturer began her presentation.  My eyes were fixed on the back of the chair in front of me, but I knew I had heard that voice before…  I looked up at the stage and was shocked to see Kim behind the podium.  She looked exactly as I remembered her, but we hadn’t talked since the miscarriage.  Perry even looked over at me and raised his eyebrows, and I shrugged.  Maybe this was a good thing… She and I could catch up, maybe even see if we wanted to give things another shot.  We’d figured we didn’t have much in common except for the baby, but if it could get my mind off Perry, I’d try again with Kim and see if it actually led anywhere. 

              I didn’t listen to a word Kim said the entire time – I had no _clue_ what she was even lecturing on, but I had already made up my mind to catch up with her when she was finished and see if she wanted to have lunch together.  My heart nearly stopped when she stepped out from behind the podium.  Even Perry stiffened in surprise when we both saw her very obviously pregnant belly.  So much for her looking exactly the same.

              “Any questions?” Kim asked and I immediately raised my hand.  “Yes, you sir?”

              “Why did you tell me you miscarried our child when you clearly didn’t?” I asked boldly.  I didn’t care that I was surrounded by strangers or that Kim was supposed to be answering questions about her _research_ and that I’d effectively outed her to the entire lecture hall.  That… that was my _kid_ in there, a kid who I had thought didn’t exist anymore, a kid whose loss I had mourned _months_ ago.  Holy hell.

              Kim not-so-gracefully fielded questions from the audience before hurrying off the stage.  Perry remained seated next to me, his hands on his knees.  “Well, kid, this is where I leave you,” he announced.  “Good luck.”

              “Yeah,” I scoffed, standing up and brushing past him.  “Thanks.”

              I glanced back at him over my shoulder as I left the hall.  He was still seated and was shaking his head, though I didn’t know what for.  I headed straight for the bar, having a funny feeling that Kim would know to find me there.  I didn’t even bother ordering a drink.  I had to have this conversation sober.

              Sure enough, a few minutes later she walked up to me, a sheepish look on her face.  “Sorry?” she offered.  I stayed silent, fuming.  “Okay… Too soon for laughter.  I know that you must be really upset.”

              I couldn’t believe this.  “Upset is just one of the emotions I’m feeling, Kim,” I said, my voice a little louder than it needed to be.  This wasn’t like ‘Oh, hey, I forgot your birthday!’  This was a blatant lie about the fact that she was still carrying _my child._   “How could you do this to me?”

              “I don’t know.  My hormones went crazy!” Kim replied, suddenly much more serious.  “And I was scared and I thought that we were only together because I was pregnant, and so I lied.  And I pushed you out the door and then I got really angry that you left me.”

              Normally, I didn’t have a problem showing compassion for another person’s situation.  In fact, my ability to put myself in someone else’s shoes was something I prided myself on.  But this… How could I feel _sorry_ for Kim when she’d made the conscious choice to lie to me?  “Were you ever planning on telling me?” I asked, lowering my voice.

              “Yes, of course, yes,” came her quick and emphatic reply.  “I just hadn’t figured out how yet.  I mean, what could I possibly say?”

              “Gee, I don’t know, how about, ‘JD, I think there might be something living in my uterus’?”  I suggested sarcastically.

              Kim’s face fell then.  “I know I made a huge mistake and I’m so, so sorry.  I just – I had backed myself into this corner I didn’t know how to get out of and – you know what?  No more excuses.”  I took   a deep breath, finding it hard to look at her just then.  “I did a horrible thing.  I don’t expect you to forgive me.”

              “Well, good.  Because I’m not going to.”  There was no way I could let her back in after this.  To – to lie about _losing a child_ … I couldn’t even process it and I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to.

              “You probably hate me right now because I hate myself,” Kim said, her voice shaking with tears she wasn’t letting fall, “but it’s been really good seeing you and – and I thought I could do this on my own.  But I can’t.  I’m alone and I’m terrified and I have _no_ right to ask you for this, but I could really use some help.”

              I didn’t know what to say, but I was spared being forced to come up with something when Kim looked down at her watch.

              “Crap salad,” she sighed.  “I gotta go give another lecture.  I just need forty minutes and… Please stay.  Promise me you’ll just stay and we can talk about this.”

              “Fine,” I said quietly.  “But I’m not doing it for you.”

              “Fair enough,” she replied before hurrying off.

              Did I want to stay?  Now that I knew Kim was still carrying my child, yes, I wanted to, but I felt sick to my stomach.  I could say that, at the moment, I wanted nothing to do with her, but I wanted to know my child.  All of it quickly became too much for me and I left the bar, making my way up to the hotel room, hoping that Perry wouldn’t be there.

              I thanked my lucky stars that I was alone when I opened up the door.  I didn’t make it any farther than the edge of the bed before I broke down, putting my face in my hands as my body shook with sobs.  It wasn’t even just Kim.  It was everything – the stress of the weekend, how hopeless my situation with Perry was, even Turk’s poor advice.  Everything came down on me all at once with a relentless force.  I could only hope that it crushed me and put me out of my misery.

              I didn’t hear Perry enter the room.  I only realized that he was there with me when I felt the bed dip next to me and the warm weight of an arm wrapping around my shoulders.  I knew no one else had a key to the room and that, logically, it had to be him, but the touch was foreign to me.  I leaned forward some, until my elbows were resting on my knees, and started babbling without thinking.

              “I can’t do this,” I said, shaking my head profusely as tears rolled down my cheeks.  “I can’t be with her, not after this.  She lied to me a-about the miscarriage, about losing my _kid_.  What kind of person does that?”  I didn’t wait for an answer.  “And now it’s like everything I was freaking out about when we were deciding whether or not to keep the baby is magnified by a thousand.  I’ll be a terrible father, probably fuck up the kid’s life –”

              “Jesus, JD,” Perry said, cutting me off, “don’t you think that’s a little dramatic?  You’ll be a good father, probably a great one.  You’re just shocked right now is all.  Give Kim a chance.  You loved her once, didn’t you?  You can love her again.”

              “I can’t, not after this,” I said solemnly, wiping at my cheeks in frustration.  “And besides, I’m in love with someone else, even if they’ll never love me back.”

              Perry’s arm fell from around me.  “Get some rest, Newbie,” he said in a gruff voice.  “Lord knows you need it.”

* * *

 

              The first thing I noticed when I woke up, still wearing what I’d put on the previous day, was that I was not alone in the bed.  Perry was lying solidly next to me, practically beneath me, given our position.  My head was on his chest and I could feel Perry’s arm outstretched under me, like it had been curled around my shoulders at some point.  I could remember none of this.

              “Did you know you talk in your sleep?” Perry asked nonchalantly, causing me to jump despite the quiet tone of his voice.  I hadn’t realized he was awake and I wasn’t sure I had ever heard his voice so soft before.

              “Yeah, I knew,” I replied, afraid to move even though my head was still resting firmly on Perry’s chest, moving with every breath he took.  It occurred to me that I could have said some very stupid things.  “I… What – what exactly did I say?”

              Perry paused before answering, and I wasn’t sure what to make of it.  “Mostly talked about Kim,” he told me.  “Whined a bit.  Then decided you wanted to cuddle with me.”  His tone was impassive, as if he was only relaying facts. 

              “I’m sorry,” I said quickly, hoping Perry would spare my life.  “If I’d had any idea –”

              “I know, Bethany,” he said again in the same soft tone.  “Hush.”

              I remained quiet after that, though I wasn’t sure why neither of us had moved.  I ran through the conversation we’d had before I had fallen asleep in my head, analyzing every little detail.  “You called me JD last night,” I said suddenly.

              “Did I get it right?” Perry asked and I could hear the change in his demeanor.  The walls were going back up again, walls that I knew I would never be able to break down.  “Because honestly, that was just a stab in the dark.  Knew it started with a ‘J,’ though I couldn’t be sure…”

              I jerked upright, throwing the covers off me.  “I’m leaving early,” I muttered, sliding out of bed and gathering up the few things I had taken out of my suitcase. 

              I saw Perry sit up against the headboard from the corner of my eye.  A flash of surprise crossed his face before the angry lines I was so used to seeing settled back in.  “Running away from your problems should work out for you,” he said sarcastically.

              I knew I should just ignore him, but the comment enraged me.  “Forgive me if I don’t want to take advice from _you_ of all people,” I half-shouted, turning to stare him down, “the king of self-sabotage and pushing people away who love you and care about you!”

              Perry stood then, a rather threatening muscle in his jaw jumping.  I was grateful for the bed separating us.  “You listen here and you listen good,” he said in a low voice.  “Either we forget you just that and I’ll let you walk out of here with your tail between your legs like a good little girl or you can say whatever the hell it is you _really_ want to say.”

              I stood my ground, glaring back at Perry.  “You’re mean,” I finally said, unable to keep my voice from shaking.  “But it’s an act.  Y-you want people to be afraid of you so you don’t have to let them in.  You pretend you’re this invincible superhero of a doctor, but really you’re just a person who’s scared to open up.”

              Perry took a few steps around to the foot of the bed, where I stood, clutching my suitcase.  I shrank at the advancement and swallowed hard.  He screwed his face up then and pretended to cry.  “You really hit the nail on the head,” he sniffed, balling his fists and wiping at his imaginary tears.  “Just when I thought no one would understand me…”

              I opened my mouth to retort, but he straightened up suddenly, pure anger flashing onto his face.  “Clam up!” he shouted.  “I don’t know if you’ve been talking to the hospital shrink and the two of you are psychoanalyzing me, but this is me, baby.  I’m not your safety net, I’m not your best friend, and I’m sure as hell not your daddy.  So why don’t you go ahead and grow up and point the finger at _yourself_.”

              I had no clever comeback, no defense mechanism.  I silently turned away from him, trying my hardest to hold back tears, and carried my suitcase out of the room, letting the door slam shut behind me.  I hated myself in that moment for falling in love with Perry, who I now knew for certain would never love me in return.  I also hated myself for being exactly who he thought I was: a coward who ran away from his problems.  It didn’t stop me from getting in my car and driving without looking back at the hotel in my rearview mirror.


	4. A Huge Decision

I went straight to the hospital when I got back into the city.  I knew Turk was working, and I couldn’t stand the thought of being home by myself, alone with my thoughts.  The drive home had been bad enough, though I had cranked up my music just about as loud as it could go to drown them out.  If it wasn’t Kim’s voice in my head, then it was Perry’s.  Neither of them were what I wanted to hear right now.  I was nothing short of terrified of the prospect of being a father to a baby I hadn’t even thought existed anymore, especially when the mother was Kim, who’d _lied_ to me about it.  I couldn’t begin to wrap my head around what that meant for us, let alone the fact that in – if I’d done the math right – about a month I would have a living, breathing _child_.

              As if that wasn’t enough, I’d had to go and have that damn epiphany – which I was cursing myself for ever wanting in the first place – and it left me feeling gradually more and more disappointed.  I had seen the side of Perry that I liked, the side that originally made me develop feelings for him.  But I had also seen much more of the side of Perry that frustrated me, the side that I sometimes couldn’t _stand._ This morning had been emotional whiplash for me.  I’d woken up, my eyes red and swollen, with my head on his chest and he hadn’t shouted at me or thrown me off the bed like he’d threatened the first night.  Instead, he’d spoken in a quiet voice until I’d remembered that he’d called me by my actual name, which was a rare occurrence.  It had all gone to hell from there and it had been the last straw. 

              My life was a fucking joke.  Everyone was leaving me behind and moving on with their lives – getting married, having babies… I couldn’t help but feel like I was failing somehow and then to have a bombshell dropped on me...  I guessed I was having a baby, too, though no one would argue that my circumstances weren’t ideal.  I knew that if there was anyone I could trust to even remotely understand what I was going through, it’d be Turk.  He’d gotten me through so much over the course of our friendship that I couldn’t foresee him backing out now.

              “Carla,” I sighed as I walked in through the emergency entrance, finding her at the nurses’ station there.  “Is Turk around?”

              “He’s in surgery, Bambi,” she answered reflexively.  “Wait, JD, what are you doing here?  You shouldn’t be back until –”  she checked her watch – “much later tonight.  What happened?”

              “Look, it’s a really long story,” I said, leaning on the counter.  “One I’d rather not share just now.”

              Carla frowned, and then she did that thing where she didn’t just look _at_ me, but _into_ me, like she had x-ray glasses only for emotions.  She patted my arm and gave me a soft, reassuring smile.  “Well, whatever it is, I’m sure it’ll be okay.  In the meantime, why don’t you go get something to eat?  You look hungry.”

              I was not hungry at all, but I nodded.  “Yeah, I’ll get there,” I told her.  “Thanks, Carla.”

              I went up to the cafeteria and picked at the food on my tray; I hadn’t even paid attention to what they put on it.  I hadn’t planned to eat it anyway.  After what I determined was a proper amount of time for eating a meal, I returned to the nurses’ station, grateful Carla was still there.  Elliot had shown up, too, her engagement ring hanging on a delicate silver chain around her neck. 

              “Hey, JD,” she said, barely looking up at me as she filled out a form. 

              “Hey,” I answered, my voice flatter than I’d intended it to be.  “Did you guys hold the fort down while I was gone?”

              Elliot blew her bangs out of her face and rolled her eyes.  “Duh,” she answered, giving me a smirk.  “What, did you think the place would burn to the ground without you and Cox around?”

              “I considered it as a possibility,” I said, falling back into our usual banter.

              “Your confidence in me is inspiring,” she said, sticking her tongue out at me. 

              I opened my mouth to retort, but heard an all-too-familiar voice behind me.  “JD?”

              I turned toward the entrance, along with Elliot and Carla, and cringed.  Kim.

              “Perry said you left,” she said, walking up to me.  “How could you just leave me there?”

              I glanced at Carla and Elliot and found them both staring at Kim’s belly.  God, couldn’t it all just _stop_ for one second?  Apparently, that was too much to ask.

              Kim seemed to realize that I had no answer for her, so she continued on.  “Look, I know you’re angry, but you promised we’d talk and then you just left me stranded there at that bar.”

              I closed my eyes for a moment before looking back at Kim.  “All right,” I allowed.  “We can talk.  But not here.  My place.”

              “Holy frick,” Elliot said in a terrible attempt to whisper to Carla, “she’s still pregnant.”

              Carla elbowed her, but didn’t stop staring Kim down.  I sighed and led Kim outside. 

* * *

 

              When we got up to my apartment, Kim sat down on the couch and I got us both water, though I wished it was something much stronger.  In theory, I would have even given Perry’s scotch another try at this point.

              “I guess I understand why you left,” Kim said, looking over at me.  She sounded a little hesitant, but I couldn’t blame her.  I didn’t have any energy to pretend that I was okay with any of this.  “But we need to talk about things.”

              “Okay,” I said, nodding.  “Go ahead.”

              “Well,” Kim started, “the baby’s due in a month and I guess I was hoping that you’d want me to have it here, you know, so that we could go through it together.”

              “Right,” I said slowly.  Did I really want that?  Now that it came down to it, I didn’t want Kim having to do this on her own, but it also required a lot of commitment from me.  If I did do it, it wouldn’t be for her. 

              “I – JD, I really am sorry,” Kim offered after a few minutes of silence.  I could tell she was being sincere, though it didn’t matter to me how many times she apologized.

              “I know you are,” I sighed.  “This is just a lot happening all at once.”

              “I know,” Kim said softly, taking a sip of her water.  “Is there anything I can do to make it easier on you?”

              It occurred to me just how backward this situation was.  If anything, I should be comforting Kim about something, not the other way around.  But then again, this wasn’t a _normal_ situation.  It wasn’t everyday a guy got lied to about his kid being miscarried.  “No,” I answered.  “No, it’s okay, Kim.  Really.  I know you’re sorry.  I’m not saying I’m thrilled about how this all worked out, but maybe it won’t be so bad.”

              Kim gave me a small smile.  “JD, you have no idea how happy I am to hear that.  Every time I tried to work up the nerve to call you or come visit, all I could think of was how you’d take it.  I never wanted to hurt you.”

              “Do you think we would have stayed together?” I asked after a brief pause.  “If you hadn’t lied?”

              “I’d like to think so,” Kim replied.  “I was just so worried that we were _only_ staying together for the baby and I figured we owed it to ourselves to find the person we were meant to be with.”

              “Yeah,” I said quietly.  If only _that_ was a little less complicated on my part.  “So, uh, how – how _is_ the baby?”

              “Oh, the baby’s great,” Kim said quickly.  “So far, everything’s normal and we’re both healthy.  Do you want to know what it is?”

              “Yeah, I think I do,” I said after some consideration. 

              “It’s a boy,” Kim said, unable to keep her smile from widening.

              For the first time in a _long_ time, I finally felt happy.  Suddenly, everything became real and any thoughts of abandoning Kim or my child vanished.  I wouldn’t be that guy – I couldn’t be.  I was going to be a dad.  I had a _son_.

              “Wow,” I said in awe, glancing down at Kim’s stomach.  “So weird that he’s in there right now.”

              “Not for much longer,” Kim chuckled.

              I looked back up at Kim’s face and made my mind up.  “Kim, I want to move to Tacoma to be with you.”

              Kim’s eyes went wide with shock, a reaction I had expected.  It didn’t deter me in the slightest.  “JD, are you sure?  That’s a huge decision and all your friends are here…”

              “I’m sure,” I said readily.  “We can work on things and before you know it, the baby will be here and we can just start.  I can always get a job out there, maybe even at your hospital.”

              In the back of my mind, I knew exactly what I was doing, but it didn’t stop me.  So what if I was still running away from something?  At least I would be with my son and his mother, who I could learn to love again.  I was running _to_ something, not just away from him.

              “If you’re sure, then,” Kim said, still blinking at me in surprise.  “I’d like that a lot, JD.”


	5. Revelation

              I slid an envelope across Kelso’s desk.  “There’s my formal resignation,” I said in a serious voice, though I had never quite gotten comfortable sitting across from him.

              Kelso opened it and skimmed the letter, which I could have made short and sweet, but that wasn’t my style.  I’d thanked him time and time again for all the opportunities I’d been afforded at Sacred Heart, but that due to personal circumstances, I had to move on.  Once he was satisfied, or at least seemed to be, he looked up at me.  “Thank you for all you’ve done these last four years,” he said, his tone genuine.

              “Sir, I’ve worked here for almost seven years.”

              “That’s what I said,” Kelso muttered.  “Get out of my office.”

              “Thank you, sir.”

              I stepped out into the hall, closing the door to Kelso’s office behind me, and took a deep breath.  I’d finish out the rest of the month, about two and a half weeks, and then I’d be on a plane to Tacoma, just in time to get settled before Sam was born.  Kim had left for the airport early this morning; she couldn’t afford to take any time off work before her maternity leave.

              “Hey, man,” Turk said, walking toward me with a smile on his face.  “Carla filled me in on everything.  How you holding up?”

              “Uh, good, I guess,” I said, shrugging as I fell into step with him.

              “So, Kim’s moving back, then?” he asked as we reached the nurses’ station where both Carla and Elliot were standing.

              “Not exactly,” I said slowly.  “I need to tell you something.  All of you.”

              The three of them stared at me expectantly.  This was going to be one of the hardest parts about all this.  “I just talked to Kelso.  I’m leaving at the end of the month.  Kim said there’s an opening at her hospital for an internist and I’ve already applied.”

              Like a switch had been flipped, tears sprang into Carla’s and Elliot’s eyes, but their expressions didn’t bother me as much as Turk’s did.  He looked upset, but he was staring at me like he could read my mind – realistically, he probably could at this point – and I could tell that he knew why I was leaving, and it wasn’t just because of Kim.

              “JD, you can’t go,” Elliot sniffled.  “Why can’t Kim come back here?”

              I shook my head.  “It’d be too much right now,” I said honestly.  “She can’t just up and move at 36 weeks.  I have to do this.”

              “Bambi,” Carla said in a soft, sad voice as she walked out from around the counter to hug me tightly.  “We’re gonna miss you.”  At least she seemed to accept it.

              “It’s not like I’ll never visit,” I said weakly.  “Besides, I wouldn’t miss your wedding for the world, Elliot.”

              Elliot sniffed dramatically before hugging me in much the same fashion as Carla had.  “You have to call all the time,” she said firmly.  “And I want thousands of pictures of the baby.”

              I chuckled when I pulled away.  “Consider it done.”

              “Turk, don’t you have anything to say?” Carla asked, looking up at her husband. 

              “I think JD knows exactly what I have to say,” he said, looking right at me. 

              An uncomfortable shiver rolled through me.  He knew I was running away, too, just like Perry had.

              Perry.

              I wasn’t going to be the one to tell him I was leaving.  I had already made up my mind on that.  If he chose to say anything, it would be because he heard it from someone else.  Judging by the looks on some of the nearby nurses’ faces, the whole hospital would know within the hour.  I felt a pang of sadness as I remembered how much Laverne would have loved having the privilege of spreading the news.

* * *

 

              The next two weeks flew by.  I fell back into my usual rhythm and made arrangements for my last few patients to be transferred to the care of other doctors.  It was strange, working alongside Perry as if the weekend of the conference had never happened.  We didn’t talk about anything that wasn’t strictly medical, which turned out to be quite the adjustment.  I was so used to confiding in him and telling him just about every thought that popped into my head, even if he wasn’t listening.  I restrained myself, only talking to him about patients or to ask the occasional question regarding treatment methods.  He answered me without the usual girls’ name or the dramatic and sarcastic wind-up.  It cut down on the time we spent together by a great deal, but each exchange left me feeling empty. 

              Whenever Jordan made an appearance for a meeting or just to torture Perry, I took notice of a shift in their dynamic.  They weren’t fighting as much as usual.  Good for them.  At least they were happy with each other.  I hoped I could find a way to be happy with Kim.  If anything, I’d do it for Sammy.

              The night after my last day, Elliot insisted on throwing a party and inviting just about everyone in the hospital.  When I got to the house she and Keith shared, I was admittedly surprised to see such a large turnout.  Kelso, Ted, Carla, Turk, The Todd – even _The Janitor_ – not to mention a good amount of other hospital staff were there.  Everyone, it seemed, had shown up.  Except the one person I had most wished would be there.

              I pushed the thought out of my mind, determined to have a good time at the party.  Turk had been a little distant as of late, but he gave me a smile when he saw me and waved me over. 

              “A beer for me,” he said, “and an appletini for you.”  He handed me the drink and I grinned.

              “You made me an appletini?” I laughed.

              “Figured it was a good going-away present,” he said, nudging my arm.  “I’m gonna miss you, dude.”

              “I’ll miss you, too,” I said, my smile softening.  “I have to do this, though.”

              “Yeah,” Turk sighed.  “I know.  But if it’s okay with you, I’m gonna try and get shitfaced and then I’ll probably cry.”

              I chuckled and took a sip of my drink.  “I’ll just have to get drunk enough that I don’t have to remember it.”

              After that, I roamed around the house, saying my goodbyes to people I would genuinely miss and people who I probably hadn’t talked to more than twice in my seven years at Sacred Heart.  Still, I appreciated them showing up, even if it was just for the free food.  I was listening to Elliot obsess about the wedding when Perry walked through the front door.  He was wearing jeans and a plain t-shirt with a light jacket over it.  Any attention I had been paying to Elliot’s neuroses was now completely focused on Perry, though I did my best to be subtle about it.  He greeted Carla and grabbed a beer and didn’t look at me once. 

              “Elliot, I’m just gonna go get some fresh air, okay?” I said, not waiting for an answer as I made my way through the crowd and slipped outside through the back door.

              Even though I had wanted Perry here, I hadn’t actually expected to see him, and now it was hitting me.  I was really leaving.  I was leaving Perry and any chance I might have had with him, no matter how small that chance might have been.  I was trying to convince myself that I had to do this, if only for my son, when I heard the back door open. 

              “Look, man,” I sighed, assuming it was Turk, “I need a second.”

              “Don’t go,” the voice behind me said, and it wasn’t Turk’s.

              I turned to see Perry leaning against the side of the house, his hands shoved into his pockets. 

              “Excuse me?” I asked incredulously, my eyebrows shooting up.

              “I said _don’t go_ ,” Perry repeated.  I couldn’t read his expression no matter how hard I tried.

              I let out a nervous, very confused laugh.  “What the hell are you doing?”

              Perry began taking short, slow steps toward me.  “Realizing that life is too goddamned short is what I’m doing, Newbie,” he said in a confident voice.  It had been weeks since I heard him call me that.  “You should do the same.  Be honest with me now.  Do you really want to spend your life with a woman you don’t love and uproot your entire life, your career, and leave your friends just to get away from me?”

              “That’s not what I’m doing,” I said defensively.

              “Then why’d you tell me you loved me?” Perry challenged.

              My face went blank.  No… no, I hadn’t.  How could he possibly know?  “What are you talking about?  I never –”

              “Yes, you did,” Perry maintained, cutting me off.  “At the conference.  When I told you you were talking in your sleep.  You said more than I let on.”

              “Oh no.”

              Perry continued on as if I’d never spoken.  “You turned over and you put your head right here, on my chest,” he said, walking closer as he pointed to his heart, “and you said, ‘Why won’t you love me back?’  You said my name, JD.”

              I covered my mouth and shook my head, feeling as though my heart were about to pound out of my chest as he came closer still.  “Why are you telling me this now?” I whispered.

              “Because I want you to stay.”

              “But… why?”

              “You must be even thicker than I thought,” Perry sighed, stepping right up to me.  “Let me spell it out for you then.”  And before I could even process it, he took my face in both his hands and kissed me. 

              He kissed me long and hard, his touch gentler than I’d ever thought it’d be, and I felt _everything._ Fireworks, butterflies, sparks – every cliché in the book, I felt it.  I melted and gripped his waist just to stay upright.  The connection I had always felt, it was really there.  Helpless to stop them, tears began to roll down my cheeks even as we kissed.

              Perry pulled back after a while, resting his forehead against mine, both of us a little breathless.  “But Jordan,” I whispered.  “And your kids.”

              “I’ll still be their father.  Nothing will change that,” he murmured.  “Jordan will understand.  She’s been seeing different people for a while now as it is.”

              “I – what?  She’s cheating on you?”

              “Not so much cheating as the two of us have decided to go our separate ways, just in the same home for now.”

              “But you – I saw you guys.  You stopped fighting.”

              “Yeah,” Perry said dryly.  “That’s when we both knew it was over.”

              I swallowed hard and looked up at Perry, my tears still flowing.  “What about Kim?  I’m supposed to fly out there tomorrow.”

              Perry reached up with a surprising and completely foreign tenderness and brushed away my tears.  “You’re either getting on that plane tomorrow or you’re not.  You know where to find me if you want.”

              With that, I watched as he turned around and headed back into the house to rejoin the party or leave, I didn’t know which.  I was left standing there with my arms hanging at my sides, shaking and confused.

              Ten minutes later, Turk poked his head out the back door.  “Dude, what are you doing out here?  We’re about to cut the cake.”

              “I’ll be right there,” I called, my back to him.  “Actually, you know what, you guys can get started without me.  I’m not really in a party mood.”

              I wasn’t all that surprised when Turk walked out into the yard and stood next to me.  “You want to tell me what’s going on?” he asked casually.

              “This was supposed to be simple,” I said quietly, staring at the ground.  “I made my choice to get back together with Kim and Sammy’s due any day now… Why did he have to do this?”

              “JD, both of us know you don’t really want to be with Kim.  Why are you so bent on making yourself miserable?”

              “I’m just trying to do the right thing here, Turk,” I sighed.  “I guess I don’t really know what that is anymore.”

              “Yeah, you do,” Turk said, clapping me on the back.  “Come back in whenever you’re ready.  Cake.”

              I knew that I couldn’t go back inside until I made my decision.  After some more deliberation, I took a deep breath and walked back into the house.

* * *

 

              I glanced out the window of the airplane, watching as the runway began to move more quickly around us.  I wasn’t supposed to have my phone out, but I’d be quick.

              _I’m on a plane to Tacoma.  Kim went into labor early this morning, but how does dinner sound?  Friday at 8?_

I shoved my phone back into my pocket and leaned back against my seat, smiling softly.  I trusted that Perry would have responded by the time my plane touched down.


End file.
